In a relationship.. you learn to decide for the best.

I would have kept this to myself since I didn’t want my now former love(r) to know that I secretly revealed my deepest secret to someone through an e-mail. In life, we might enter a relationship in which we could say there would be challenges especially when you are inexperienced. I was and still am a frustrated composer of random thoughts/ ideas and I experimented on my skills in writing. They say if a man could write love letters, a woman would always appreciate it compared to gifts that would just fade away. Here was the message that I wrote. It was kind of a revelation and at the same time a confession. Is it a love letter?
_____________________________
From: Jasper Timola <jaspertimola23@yahoo.com>
To: jennica_wu@yahoo.com.ph
Sent: Thursday, November 4, 2010 2:06 AM
Subject: I hope you find time to read this: ‘A Composition for Jennica Wu’

A Composition for Jennica Wu

PROLOGUE
Marahil ay nagtataka ka kung bakit sinulat ko ang komposisyon na ito para lamang sa’yo. Maybe you will just ignore this and delete immediately as you see it. But I hope you find time to read this.

                Maaaring dulot lang ito ng kaboringan ng sembreak o maaaring dulot ito ng pagkaguilty, pagkaawa, pagkainis, at kung ano pang emosyon na naramdaman ko nung bigla kang tumamlay at nawalan ng ngiti simula nung issue about kay Jhenelle.
Gusto ko magsorry. Pasensya na, seriously. Ako yung ugat ng naging problema at gusto kong maayos. Sayang kasi yung pagkakaibigan. Alam ko mabait ka. You’re a good person so I’m hoping that we fix the friendship we have before we part ways as we enter the last semester of being BSE classmates.
This composition does not only serve as an apology letter but also serve as a revelation. Part of this composition is my suppose-to-be retreat letter that I was too shy to give to you.
At ngayon, para malinawan ka, ikwekwento ko muna yung tungkol sa nararamdaman ko para sa’yo. Kumbaga sa Thesis, review of related literature muna tayo. Don’t get me wrong about telling you the feelings I have towards you. I just want you to fully understand everything that had happened and I know you will. I know you’re a kind, thoughtful, and intelligent person to understand what I wanted to tell. Let me just emphasize that the following revelation is not a way to impress you but to only give you knowledge about how I feel towards you.

CHAPTER I
Now this is the root. To tell you the truth, you have been my longest crush since first year college. Back then, I was always looking forward on seeing Clarisse Jhil Abrogueña because I would see again that cute Chinese girl she was always with. I’d always cherish those cute little eyes of that cute Chinese girl as she smile cutely at me saying hello. Blush. Then thank God, He had always been great as He made me so blissfully excited when I learned that that cute Chinese girl was listed as a math major on the posted paper where my name was also present. I really didn’t expect that to happen.
I know in myself that I only admired your cute smiles that time. Then someone came, I had loved her. She’s Monica. Maybe because of lack of experience when it comes to distinguishing infatuation and love that I wasn’t able to contain the feeling I have for her. Monica and I had a sweet summer or should I say summer fling. Maybe I was too young to fall for her, but she termed our relationship as an immature one. As far as I remember, you were already present when I was sad for the failure I had. Remember our table tennis P.E.? That was it when you and Clarisse joined me, sympathizing. A month or two passed by and found myself having the feeling of attraction towards you. And UST-Paskuhan was the night I had assured of my feelings for you. That was where you also talked to Timothy. I saw you cry and I admired you for that. As an initial serenade, I sang happy birthday to you through the phone, December 26, 2008.
I tried to plan to court you, but I was afraid. I failed. Marilex knew how I planned to court you and how I took all my plans back. I was sad back then. A few weeks of sadness, Jhenelle had her move and out of vulnerability, I entered a quick reluctant relationship with her.

CHAPTER II
April 1, 2009, we were officially boyfriend-girlfriend of each other, all was fast. She made the first move, I followed. I thought this will help me forget the girls I cherished and admired. The M and the J.
I felt guilty and at the same time trying-to-be-happy as our relationship progresses. But my conscience bothered me for I had known in myself that I cannot fully give my love to someone when in in fact I still have feelings for the previous ones. I blame myself thinking how immature I was. Then I thought of showing the worst of me to Jhenelle to somehow turn her off, to somehow let her know I’m not the perfect guy for her, to somehow give her the realization that she doesn’t deserve someone like me. I ignored her sometimes, I intentionally make her cry, I make her jealous, and I do a lot of stuff to lessen her love for me. But how ironic life can be; instead of lessening the love she has, I found her loving me more and more. Naisip ko, maging manhid na lang ako para matapos na ang paghihirap nya sa’kin.
Worse came to worst, you know the disaster that had occurred. Jhenelle was uncontrollable. I know it was all because of love. Because of her love for me. Because of me. So mane things, people, and let’s say events had been involved including you. I’m sorry I had let that to happen.
Why have you been included? She said there was a third party. You were the one pointed out. Yes, I did certain things, showing my affection to you during that particular night. Jhenelle was paranoid. Then I told her I still liked you but I told her she should not be worrying about that. Still she was hurt, I had driven her mad.

CHAPTER III
Yes, I am still longing for you. I still imagine myself being sweet to you, but I have to be fair now. It’s clear to me that we can never be. add to the fact that someone have really fallen deeply in love with me.
As of now, Jhenelle and I are not yet returning to being in a relationship. We are still in the state of rebuilding ourselves or should we say nearly ‘m.u.’ I am afraid to have a disaster again if we still continue to be ‘in a relationship’ status. That’s why I’ve decided to set December as the deciding month for us if we still want each other back.

CHAPTER IV
Now here’s the thing, remember the retreat letter you gave to me? There was you ending sentence ‘Hope that we could be the BEST of friends.’ Of course, I also hope that to happen, if not just plain good friends. Huwag na sana magsungit o magnsnob ah. Mas naiisip lang kasi kita pag ganun kung paano mo ko papansinin. Help me see you as a friend and suppress the feeling I have for you. Just act as a normal friend or classmate. Act as the usual you to me. Kahit hindi naman ganun kaclose. Kahit hindi tulad naming nila Marilex, Ichi, Nico, and others. Yung normal like with Kat. That way way, hindi na siguro kita masayado maiisip kasi di ka na yung mysterious na hindi man lang magreet pag makakasalubong. Okay?

EPILOGUE
Now how about you and Jhenelle? Siyempre alam ko takot ka maaway na ulit. Don’t worry, sabihin mo agad kung may nararamdaman kang away. Pag-uusapan nain agad yan. Remember, nung nagtampo sa’kin si Jhenelle tapos ikaw gusto mo magkaayos agad kami? I appreciate that very much lalo na nung about sa pangaral mo sa taas ng Pride ko. Thanks for that. ;)

P.S. I browsed the FB account of Timothy. He’s quite a good man. A handsome one. Bagay kayo. He’s very fortunate to have you.

God bless our friendship. Bibigyan pa rin kita ng LaLa minsan. Keep your cute smile ah. Keep smiling ;)
~greet mo kami sa pasukan ah :)

Jasper V. Timola
jaspertimola23@yahoo.com
Marikina, Philippines
Mobile: +639151294266

_____________

She replied with a smile and told me that everything was fine with her, it was just that things were complicated and she was trying to figure out the best way to do things right.

_____________

From: Jennica Wu <jennica_wu@yahoo.com.ph>
To: Jasper Timola <jaspertimola23@yahoo.com>
Sent: Fri, November 5, 2010 9:31:38 PM
Subject: =)

thanks..  u really don’t have to explain everything to me naiintindihan ko nmn but i do appreciate your effort..ndi nmn ako snob…ndi ko lang alam kung anung gagawin so instead of doing something stupid i’d rather do nothing…mamaya kc mamisinterpret ako or something db?? ndi din nmn ako galit… i guess im also trying to figure out what is the right thing to do…and for me, i think that would probably take some time… im sorry for making you feel uneasy.. im sorry for all the problems that i’ve caused…hope that we can still  be good friends…thank you jasper.. :D

_____________

I guess it’s time for me to grow up and to be more mature. With great friends around, I could simply be happy and mingle with them. After I become successful with all my endeavors like my Master’s degree, my savings in the bank, my growing muscles, and so on, maybe I would consider her (not Jennica) as the next one.

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